05 March 2010

if we don't get green, we'll all be blue...

An idea came to me yesterday that I think is going to be the big one: Wind turbans. Basically, we are going to design wrapped headgear with a fan device embedded in it that captures wind energy as the wearer walks.

This could be the green industry that turns around unemployment and brings an era of energy independence. Plus, it might improve foreign relations by showing fashion solidarity with various folk in Afghanistan, India, and parts of the Middle East.

Now we just have to find a few mothballed propeller-beanie factories, and we are in business.

20 February 2010

the art of what is next...


If my carpentry career is winding down, what is next?

Was just talking with a buddy the other day and he posed the question: 'Do you ever have those days where you feel like you are just okay at everything: an okay carpenter, an okay guitarist, an okay surfer... but not truly great at any one thing?'

Well... I want to be done with those days. Been having far too many of them. Any suggestions what to dive into? Something that won't be another three years and done?

25 May 2009

lose your illusions...

Alright... Understanding that I have no great false hope that anything remotely like this will ever get passed, let us dive in to proposing some sexy new legislation...

What if we eliminated corporate taxes, capital gains, tariffs, and the like while instituting a flat income tax? Nothing new here, right? But what if we made the flat tax rate variable, keyed to actual annual spending plus a percentage for debt reduction or savings?

Essentially, we create a system where the tax burden is shared equally and encourage growth. But beyond that we de-incentivize federal spending, and especially deficit spending. And the taxpayers reap the benefits. The less Congress spends, the more money each of his or her constituents takes home to use productively.

Just a thought. Other than that Congress would never actually pass such laws, what do you think?

29 April 2009

a note to central intelligence...

An idea today regarding enhanced interrogation methods: Instead of waterboarding, try chocolateboarding. Replace the water with tasty melted chocolate from a chocolate fountain. You would accomplish the exact same goals. And who is really going to prosecute someone for chocolateboarding? The defense: Dude, it was CHOCOLATE.

Also, for extremely tough cases, they would have extra leverage. If the prisoner isn't forthcoming, he can be threatened with having to clean the chocolate fountain.

12 February 2009

and one for the road...

Some time ago, some friends were on a bit of kick. They were growing wheat grass and juicing it, while praising its quality for raising the drinker's health. And I was not immune to the siren song of the little green cup.

Whilst researching the benefits of the wheat grass juice, one came across an interesting bit of information. Apparently there are quite a few folk who, instead of drinking the wheat grass juice, use it in an enema. Now I am not quite sure what the medicinal value of a wheat grass enema might be, but it gave me an idea.

I want to start a chain of, well, restaurants modeled after juice bars like Jamba Juice and Blenders in the Grass. Essentially, we will offer a menu of fruits, vegetables, vitamin supplements, juices and the like. The customer can select whichever ones they like to be juiced and then enjoyed as an enema. The name? Blenders in the A$$.

The same research indicated that there are also those who find medical benefit in coffee enemas. So we will offer another chain to meet this customer's needs. At Starbutts, we will prepare and serve your favorite double decaf skinny mocha latte right where you need it.

Anyway... there is still some room for a few more investors. Who's in?

09 May 2008

a lease for my liege...

I am considering a new career as a real estate developer. My first project will be a medieval-themed neighborhood called...

Chivalry Timbers.

Each house is like a miniature castle. You can have a moat to keep the neighbor's dog from soiling your pristine tilting green. And if the folk down the street are having yet another loud party you can break out the catapult and lob some trash cans their way.

After all, a man's home is his castle. Any takers?

15 April 2008

if you're going to drill in ANWR use a Makita...

Tool companies are missing out on a marketing goldmine. Imagine if they were to sponsor films and television programs that specifically highlighted their products. We are talking product placement on crack.

For instance, who wouldn't watch La Femme Makita? A highly physically God-glorifying female assassin uses Makita cordless power tools to take out her targets. We are talking 15 gauge finish nailer shots from across the room, interrogations with belt sanders and 1/8" round-over bits, and some serious impact driving. She will finally prove whether or not a reciprocating saw truly saws all. Plus, they could use filters to emphasize the light blue color and burn it further into our collective subconscious.

23 March 2008

survival of the fitted...

Rolling through a lovely conversation with a lovely lady some days ago something sort of wandered into my head. A lot of environmentalists believe in evolution. And a lot of Christians seem to ignore the whole dominion thing and take more of "it's all going to burn" approach to the environment. That seems a bit backward to me for this reason:

If species can mutate into other species, and over time a one-celled organism can evolve into such diverse creatures as sperm whales, ocelots, and honeysuckles, why should we care if a few go extinct. Even if all the kinds of living things in all the world were to disappear but one, then why couldn't that one species evolve into a proper panoply of life?

It seems to me that of all people creationists, who believe that what we have is what we have, should be concerned about preserving species.

15 December 2007

worth its weight in rubies...

Business ideas are flowing like milk and honey. So I have another on tap if anyone cares to invest:

Redneck gift baskets.

They are filled to overflowing with alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. Skoal. Southern Comfort. 12-gauge shotgun shells. XXL novelty t-shirts. And Wal-Mart gift certificates. Maybe a Jeff Foxworthy video on VHS. And instead of a basket, we will use an oil-change drip pan.

I'll bet we sell a ka-ching-illion of these suckers.

05 December 2007

a marsupial in the hand...

We have a lot of big eucalyptus trees 'round these parts. At lunchtime today Greg said that they were originally brought over from Australia to be used as pilings for the pier. As it turned out, the wood rots and is not useful for that particular application. But the trees thrive and smell even to this day.

Well, to my thinking, if you are going to have to have eucalyptus trees around, why not make the best of it? Import koala bears. This area would be even sexier with those cute little fuzzballs wandering around in our trees.

Plus, with a new easy food supply, the local condor population might thrive.

30 November 2007

call me israel...

I have it from a well-informed inside source that the gray whales are migrating right now and that they have been breaching, right off our very own coastlands. And apparently a whale breach is significantly different than a breach birth. When a whale breach(es?) it jumps up out of the water FACE first. Though it would be pretty cool if one could pull it off the other way. I mean, maybe it is like the X-Games. A trick seems impossible until one athlete finally pulls off the triple-axle-endie-360-tailgrab-wangshiggie in competition and by the next games every other kid in Decorah, Iowa is doing them on Main Street. So one of these days one of those whales has to get on that...

So I had another million-dollar idea. Nerf harpoons. All the fun of whaling without endangering species. The Japanese would eat that up! Especially if you worked it into a game show. Plus you could make accessories: eye-patches, peglegs, and whaling dinghies.

Any investors?

14 November 2007

without a little barleycorn...

Was talking with a fellow hammer-swinger at work today about music. He leant me a great documentary about Townes Van Zandt. So here is the question: Where are the great songwriters today? There are some great musicians out there, and some good tunes. But when I listen to Townes or to Dylan, they have a way of weaving a story in song. There is just something satisfying in a good solid narrative that draws you in, takes you places, if only for a few minutes. Thirsty for some solid American mythology writ sweet in gritty song.

One question that entered in... what is left to sing about? The folk folks of decades past had the coalminers the moonshiners the hobos the outlaws... those society left behind and those who left society behind. But it seems like these days the edge has lost its sexy. I mean, it seems like most of the downtrodden have trod themselves. You can't write the great American song about the meth-head-who-smells-like-piss the union-member-that-prices-himself-out-of-the-industry the high-tech-hacker-who-robs-banks-via-the-internet. And even the staples of the balladeers of yore, like peace and civil rights have become mindlessly mainstream. Every time we send troops somewhere to clean up some international mess you see the huge corporate-sponsored post-peacenik rally full of college kids cracked out on Red Bull and wheat grass breaking out 'Masters of War' as if they'd wrote it. I might be able to take them seriously if I heard just one student make the case in a way that gives the slightest impression that they could at least point out the country in question on a map, or knew something about the geopolitical costs and benefits. I don't know... It makes me want to write a song about standing over the graves of the 'Masters of Peace'. At least that would have a slight hint of damn-the-man.

I know of some great artists that write good songs that take you into a moment, but I need some legends, some stories, some myths... So there is the question... is there anyone making music to slake my thirst? Are there folk telling tales today?

In the meantime, some of the other carpenters and I may start a band: Staiyn Graiyd.
Already working on The Ballad of John Freeman Whipp.

31 October 2007

living it up...

Alright, new invention:

I was hanging some sick handcrafted walnut elevator doors the other day when had a sort of inventive epiphany. Introducing...

wait for it...

The Libravator.

Yep, that's right, folks, the libravator. It is an elevator lined with bookshelves. Think of it... How much time do you spend going up and down elevators? What if you could spend that time constructively reading?

It could be argued that the average elevator ride is somewhere between thirty seconds and a minute. But, think of the aggregate of all those thirty second rides. Over twenty or thirty years you could probably finish War and Peace. All we need now are some really effective bookmarks.

So I am starting the American Libravator Company. Anyone looking for a sure-fire investment opportunity?

27 October 2007

close your eyes...

New business idea, a lucrative non-profit. Here is the concept:

There is the Make-A-Wish foundation, where they find out what poor, ill, or underprivileged kids most desire, their biggest dreams, and they make them come true. Well, we are going to institute a similar charity, but one more in line with democratic and egalitarian ideals. At the Take-A-Wish foundation, we will choose wealthy children, children of privilege and take away each one’s most treasured or cherished possession. This will necessarily make all the less-privileged kids feel better about themselves, and better about their lot in life. Make-A-Wish only benefits the few children who are selected. Take-A-Wish will benefit all the rest of the children. There is no quicker way to national happiness than through active social leveling.

Someone will have to serve as the founder and director of this selfless endeavor, with at least a six-figure compensation package. I may humbly offer my services in that capacity. Anybody want to be on the board?


11 October 2007

and the survey says...

The autumn has me contemplating:
shall I grow out the beard again?