lose your illusions...

Alright... Understanding that I have no great false hope that anything remotely like this will ever get passed, let us dive in to proposing some sexy new legislation...

What if we eliminated corporate taxes, capital gains, tariffs, and the like while instituting a flat income tax? Nothing new here, right? But what if we made the flat tax rate variable, keyed to actual annual spending plus a percentage for debt reduction or savings?

Essentially, we create a system where the tax burden is shared equally and encourage growth. But beyond that we de-incentivize federal spending, and especially deficit spending. And the taxpayers reap the benefits. The less Congress spends, the more money each of his or her constituents takes home to use productively.

Just a thought. Other than that Congress would never actually pass such laws, what do you think?

a note to central intelligence...

An idea today regarding enhanced interrogation methods: Instead of waterboarding, try chocolateboarding. Replace the water with tasty melted chocolate from a chocolate fountain. You would accomplish the exact same goals. And who is really going to prosecute someone for chocolateboarding? The defense: Dude, it was CHOCOLATE.

Also, for extremely tough cases, they would have extra leverage. If the prisoner isn't forthcoming, he can be threatened with having to clean the chocolate fountain.

and one for the road...

Some time ago, some friends were on a bit of kick. They were growing wheat grass and juicing it, while praising its quality for raising the drinker's health. And I was not immune to the siren song of the little green cup.

Whilst researching the benefits of the wheat grass juice, one came across an interesting bit of information. Apparently there are quite a few folk who, instead of drinking the wheat grass juice, use it in an enema. Now I am not quite sure what the medicinal value of a wheat grass enema might be, but it gave me an idea.

I want to start a chain of, well, restaurants modeled after juice bars like Jamba Juice and Blenders in the Grass. Essentially, we will offer a menu of fruits, vegetables, vitamin supplements, juices and the like. The customer can select whichever ones they like to be juiced and then enjoyed as an enema. The name? Blenders in the A$$.

The same research indicated that there are also those who find medical benefit in coffee enemas. So we will offer another chain to meet this customer's needs. At Starbutts, we will prepare and serve your favorite double decaf skinny mocha latte right where you need it.

Anyway... there is still some room for a few more investors. Who's in?

a lease for my liege...

I am considering a new career as a real estate developer. My first project will be a medieval-themed neighborhood called...

Chivalry Timbers.

Each house is like a miniature castle. You can have a moat to keep the neighbor's dog from soiling your pristine tilting green. And if the folk down the street are having yet another loud party you can break out the catapult and lob some trash cans their way.

After all, a man's home is his castle. Any takers?

if you're going to drill in ANWR use a Makita...

Tool companies are missing out on a marketing goldmine. Imagine if they were to sponsor films and television programs that specifically highlighted their products. We are talking product placement on crack.

For instance, who wouldn't watch La Femme Makita? A highly physically God-glorifying female assassin uses Makita cordless power tools to take out her targets. We are talking 15 gauge finish nailer shots from across the room, interrogations with belt sanders and 1/8" round-over bits, and some serious impact driving. She will finally prove whether or not a reciprocating saw truly saws all. Plus, they could use filters to emphasize the light blue color and burn it further into our collective subconscious.

survival of the fitted...

Rolling through a lovely conversation with a lovely lady some days ago something sort of wandered into my head. A lot of environmentalists believe in evolution. And a lot of Christians seem to ignore the whole dominion thing and take more of "it's all going to burn" approach to the environment. That seems a bit backward to me for this reason:

If species can mutate into other species, and over time a one-celled organism can evolve into such diverse creatures as sperm whales, ocelots, and honeysuckles, why should we care if a few go extinct. Even if all the kinds of living things in all the world were to disappear but one, then why couldn't that one species evolve into a proper panoply of life?

It seems to me that of all people creationists, who believe that what we have is what we have, should be concerned about preserving species.

worth its weight in rubies...

Business ideas are flowing like milk and honey. So I have another on tap if anyone cares to invest:

Redneck gift baskets.

They are filled to overflowing with alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. Skoal. Southern Comfort. 12-gauge shotgun shells. XXL novelty t-shirts. And Wal-Mart gift certificates. Maybe a Jeff Foxworthy video on VHS. And instead of a basket, we will use an oil-change drip pan.

I'll bet we sell a ka-ching-illion of these suckers.

a marsupial in the hand...

We have a lot of big eucalyptus trees 'round these parts. At lunchtime today Greg said that they were originally brought over from Australia to be used as pilings for the pier. As it turned out, the wood rots and is not useful for that particular application. But the trees thrive and smell even to this day.

Well, to my thinking, if you are going to have to have eucalyptus trees around, why not make the best of it? Import koala bears. This area would be even sexier with those cute little fuzzballs wandering around in our trees.

Plus, with a new easy food supply, the local condor population might thrive.

call me israel...

I have it from a well-informed inside source that the gray whales are migrating right now and that they have been breaching, right off our very own coastlands. And apparently a whale breach is significantly different than a breach birth. When a whale breach(es?) it jumps up out of the water FACE first. Though it would be pretty cool if one could pull it off the other way. I mean, maybe it is like the X-Games. A trick seems impossible until one athlete finally pulls off the triple-axle-endie-360-tailgrab-wangshiggie in competition and by the next games every other kid in Decorah, Iowa is doing them on Main Street. So one of these days one of those whales has to get on that...

So I had another million-dollar idea. Nerf harpoons. All the fun of whaling without endangering species. The Japanese would eat that up! Especially if you worked it into a game show. Plus you could make accessories: eye-patches, peglegs, and whaling dinghies.

Any investors?

without a little barleycorn...

Was talking with a fellow hammer-swinger at work today about music. He leant me a great documentary about Townes Van Zandt. So here is the question: Where are the great songwriters today? There are some great musicians out there, and some good tunes. But when I listen to Townes or to Dylan, they have a way of weaving a story in song. There is just something satisfying in a good solid narrative that draws you in, takes you places, if only for a few minutes. Thirsty for some solid American mythology writ sweet in gritty song.

One question that entered in... what is left to sing about? The folk folks of decades past had the coalminers the moonshiners the hobos the outlaws... those society left behind and those who left society behind. But it seems like these days the edge has lost its sexy. I mean, it seems like most of the downtrodden have trod themselves. You can't write the great American song about the meth-head-who-smells-like-piss the union-member-that-prices-himself-out-of-the-industry the high-tech-hacker-who-robs-banks-via-the-internet. And even the staples of the balladeers of yore, like peace and civil rights have become mindlessly mainstream. Every time we send troops somewhere to clean up some international mess you see the huge corporate-sponsored post-peacenik rally full of college kids cracked out on Red Bull and wheat grass breaking out 'Masters of War' as if they'd wrote it. I might be able to take them seriously if I heard just one student make the case in a way that gives the slightest impression that they could at least point out the country in question on a map, or knew something about the geopolitical costs and benefits. I don't know... It makes me want to write a song about standing over the graves of the 'Masters of Peace'. At least that would have a slight hint of damn-the-man.

I know of some great artists that write good songs that take you into a moment, but I need some legends, some stories, some myths... So there is the question... is there anyone making music to slake my thirst? Are there folk telling tales today?

In the meantime, some of the other carpenters and I may start a band: Staiyn Graiyd.
Already working on The Ballad of John Freeman Whipp.

living it up...

Alright, new invention:

I was hanging some sick handcrafted walnut elevator doors the other day when had a sort of inventive epiphany. Introducing...

wait for it...

The Libravator.

Yep, that's right, folks, the libravator. It is an elevator lined with bookshelves. Think of it... How much time do you spend going up and down elevators? What if you could spend that time constructively reading?

It could be argued that the average elevator ride is somewhere between thirty seconds and a minute. But, think of the aggregate of all those thirty second rides. Over twenty or thirty years you could probably finish War and Peace. All we need now are some really effective bookmarks.

So I am starting the American Libravator Company. Anyone looking for a sure-fire investment opportunity?

close your eyes...

New business idea, a lucrative non-profit. Here is the concept:

There is the Make-A-Wish foundation, where they find out what poor, ill, or underprivileged kids most desire, their biggest dreams, and they make them come true. Well, we are going to institute a similar charity, but one more in line with democratic and egalitarian ideals. At the Take-A-Wish foundation, we will choose wealthy children, children of privilege and take away each one’s most treasured or cherished possession. This will necessarily make all the less-privileged kids feel better about themselves, and better about their lot in life. Make-A-Wish only benefits the few children who are selected. Take-A-Wish will benefit all the rest of the children. There is no quicker way to national happiness than through active social leveling.

Someone will have to serve as the founder and director of this selfless endeavor, with at least a six-figure compensation package. I may humbly offer my services in that capacity. Anybody want to be on the board?

Donations!

and the survey says...

The autumn has me contemplating:
shall I grow out the beard again?

the sun also rises...

Mom and I were talking the other day about the names my younger brother and his wife are considering for their second daughter, who will be making her grand entrance shortly. And we were discussing the likely parallels with my Dad’s family. My older brother will likely follow Dad’s pattern of an eldest daughter and three sons. My younger brother (who I have affectionately dubbed ‘She Shooter’) will likely have all daughters. But if the pattern holds true, it puts me in the position of the uncle who traveled the world, got married in his forties and had one son-of-his-old-age. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Somehow the conversation wandered to a story of a family member allegedly celebrating the solstice by dancing naked on the roof of a skyscraper. Yes, in fact there are pagans in the family, or perhaps more properly Neo-Pagans… I am not sure how these things work, perhaps they are Free Reformed Neo-Pagans of America…but whatever branch or sect, some of my dearly beloved relatives worship naked with drums. Pretty cool, huh? So there was an alleged skyscraper incident. And it got me to wondering about a couple of things:

What if the sun were a person, a deity. Would it really find naked folk gyrating at solstice-time all that interesting? I mean this is the same sun that travels over the Amazon basin every day, and European beaches. It sees lots and lots of naked folk probably doing lots and lots of different things every day. Although I suppose the same could be said for singing or praying or sacrificing animals for that matter.

And getting back to skyscrapers… what if the events of September 11th hadn’t been an act of terrorism? What if a couple of jets were trying to make up some time at the beginning of a transcontinental flight by sort of jetting over downtown Manhattan? And at the same time a group of aging hippies had decided to welcome the September mid-morning sun with some naked drumming and dancing atop a skyscraper as they are apparently wont to do. The pilots are minding their own business, concentrating on the intricacies of modern aviation when WHOAH… a blinding flash of bright white, wrinkle-ridden naked hippie-flesh gyrating on the spire of the Chrysler building! I certainly don’t mean to make light of those tragic events, but imagine how much simpler the six years since would have been if it was a simple religious accident instead of a horrible act of religious war.

Think of it. Pagan terrorism would be decidedly easier to deal with than Islamic terrorism. With Muslim fundamentalists you have to watch out for homemade explosives, guerrilla tactics, and WMDs. Pagans wouldn’t use nukes for fear of harming the Earth. At worst you would have to watch out for a sacrificial dagger or something, and much of the time they are naked, and have no place to hide their knives.

There isn’t an officially pagan country to invade (none that I know of anyway). There are a lot of nations out there that are essentially pagan, but nobody really makes it official. And even if there were one, it would be much easier to prosecute a war against them. It can’t be too difficult to bomb folks back to the Stone Age if they are already 95% of the way there. Plus, it seems like most American pagans I know are pacifists, though admittedly fairly militant in their pacifism.

All in all, though, I guess the world is what it is, things swing how they swing, and you rarely get to pick your fights unless you pick your fights. And I am really kind of glad it is the Islamic fundies we are up against and not the pagan folk, because I think it really pisses them off that not only do we HAVE naked-skyscraper-drum-dancing-knife-wielding-hippie-pacifists here, but we let them VOTE and we care about them and hug them on the holidays… at least when they have their clothes on.

why shake the chains ye wrought...

Watched a wonderful documentary tonight, called 'God Grew Tired of Us'. I don't think have seen a film that really captured the realities of displacement into a culture different than one's own like this one. The filmmakers did a beautiful job of turning that cultural foreignness into the American culture. You get to walk with these kids from their homes in Sudan, through lushness, war, the community of the camps, and then into Pittsburgh and Syracuse as an African.

And then there was tea in Montecito with Adam Smith. Started 'Wealth of Nations' today for the first time, a brilliant ride into the heart of capitalism. From the first sentence it was interesting... straightforward... all business. What I particularly noticed were the presupposed elements with which Smith works. The first sentence bears the nation-state and time.

I guess it deserves more thought and more spinning out, but there is something in the intersection between the raw realities of work, the land, meeting our physical needs and desires, and the realities of community and alienation in the aftermath of war that the Lost Boys of Sudan faced in their journey from the Nile to the Allegheny.